"We are all in the gutter...

...but some of us are looking at the stars." ~Oscar Wilde

Hope is...

...the fizzing sound you hear when you open a new bottle of soda.

...the childish delight that makes you whoop and holler when you wake up to the snow that covered up the muddy mess from yesterday.

...listening to a new Christmas CD for the first time.

...hearing the hum of the washer and dryer as you clean up the kitchen.

...finishing the 600 page book you've read a dozen times before, but keep re-reading because the story of redemption and recovered dreams changes your life each time.

Hope has showed up in many more different moments, but these are the ones that most recently stood out to me. It's just good to know that no matter how much mud and rain there is in my life, there's a snowfall around the corner to cover up the mess and teach me that life is beautiful.

"You will not fear the terror of night nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the dark...for He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." Psalm 91:5, 6a, and 11

"As long as we both shall live..."

Today was my first day with a new job. I am helping out a couple that lives in the community. He is 97 years old, and she just turned 91 years old last week. They are both darling. I can't wait to learn all that I can from them. Can you imagine having nearly a century of knowledge and experience to impart? And yet that's when people stop listening and write you off as "outdated" or "out of touch."

This woman reminds me of my grandmother. She worries when she perceives the room in which I am reading as too dark. She speaks proudly of her sons and their families and "my niece that wrote two books!" She offers me a glass of pop several times in an hour, and feels bad that she didn't have the energy to do the sink full of dishes herself. She wants to know all about my life, and has an amazing memory for names and events that are important to me. She brings to life the stories of the times that her husband walked to work because they only had one car and when "we were poor, so we didn't have much meat."

The most memorable part of the afternoon though, was when she got a soft look in her eyes and said this: "I never imagined that he would have a stroke and we would need to get help like this. I never expected it. But, I married him 'for better or for worse.' I guess now it's time for the 'for worse' part."

She's my newest hero.

Living Life Loved

This is the first fall in 14 years that I haven't started another semester of school. And, related or not, this is also the first fall I've really enjoyed the season.

It wasn't too long ago that I saw the first touches of gold on the trees and thought to myself "Wow, it seems early for the leaves to be turning!" Before I knew it, though, one tree had ignited another until the gold, red, and orange flickering flames raged up and down the hills of Northwest PA. Becca and I stopped at Meadville's beautiful graveyard the other day to drive around and take in the glory. Eventually, the fallen leaves along the road called to me until I just had to ask Becca to pull over so we could scuff through them. Right now I'm looking through my front window as the sun streams in past me. I can see a tree - half bare and half ablaze with brilliant yellow leaves. Behind it, a gorgeous blue sky littered with a few fluffy white clouds.

My question to myself and to my readers is this: are we recognizing the beauty around us for what it is? Or are we taking it for granted? Autumn will come every year as it always has. The leaves will change color and fall in our yards; clouds will float lazily through the sky. Will we choose to take time and recognize it for the gift from God that it is?

Please, live your life looking for the glory of God. He's really in every mundane detail.

"We may ignore, but we can nowhere evade, the presence of God. The world is crowded with God. God walks everywhere incognito. And the incognito is not always hard to penetrate. The real labour is to remember, to attend. In fact, to come awake. Still more, to remain awake." -C.S. Lewis

Bread Dough, Bowls, and Blood Sugar

I like to think I'm invincible. True, my struggle to find a job set me back on my self-confidence for a while, but now that I'm working, it's been better. I also recently started baking and cooking again after a 2 year hiatus (being at FB wasn't conducive to working in the kitchen). And I've been loving it! I'm good at it and I like sampling my creations and having other people say they're good. Two silent pats on the back for me!

But it's humbling when you call your mom about 4 times during the course of the afternoon because you've never made bread before and how do you do it? And is it supposed to be this sticky? And how much are you supposed to knead it? And why isn't it rising? Finally, I had something that resembled bread dough in texture, color, smell, and taste. I set about cleaning up the huge mess I'd made (for some reason, baking is a full body experience for me. If a recipe has flour or brown sugar, you can pretty much count on finding it everywhere, including, but not limited too, the counter, the floor, the cupboards, my dress, my face, my hair, and my toes).

Now, unbeknownst to me, my blood sugar level had been silently dropping during this entire process, leaving me as it usually does - light-headed, slightly nauseous, weak, and shaky. I realized it while I was washing dishes, but figured I could wait to eat some protein and sit down in a minute or two when I had finished the chore. However, on one of the last dishes, a large mixing bowl belonging to Rebecca, this low blood sugar contributed to me losing my grip on the bowl and smashing it into about 5 pieces in the sink. I stared in shock for a moment and then noticed the blood oozing from my fingers. I grabbed a paper towel and tried to staunch the bleeding and made it to our first aid kit. I fumbled around until I found the BandAids, trying not to get blood on too many other "sterile" items. I checked the cuts. Not too deep, thank God. Wouldn't want to drive to the ER in my condition. I picked up the glass and took it out to the garbage can in a paper bag, and had one moment of detached panic in which I thought I might faint. Held really still, clutching the porch railing. Buzzing stopped, vision cleared, didn't fall down the stairs.

I have questions. I drop things. I bleed. My fingers are held together with BandAids. I don't know yet if the bread will survive my fumbling attempts.

I am not invincible. Too bad. It might have been nice.

Wouldn't it be Loverly

Tonight I watched "My Fair Lady" (1964) for the first time in my life. I had listened to the soundtrack before and thoroughly enjoyed it, but seeing it was truly a fuller picture. I loved each song in turn and the story that brought the song to life.
And I have to wonder - what am I taking for granted because of my pride? Am I like Professor Higgins? He's utterly insufferable in his pride. He takes credit for all the work of polishing and presenting Eliza and he ends up losing her. "I've grown accustomed to her face. She almost makes the day begin...I was serenely independent and content before we met; surely I could be that way again. And yet - I've grown accustomed to her look; accustomed to her voice; accustomed to her face."
I've lost before and I live on. But pride worms its way back into my life. What am I about to lose? What am I about to realize I can't live without?

Watch the movie, by the way. You aren't likely to regret it!

To Wish Upon a Star

There's just something magical and utterly relaxing about lying out on a blanket watching the stars. Of course, it was made so much better by the Perseids meteor shower that is currently at its peak.

But that sounds so scientific. Shooting stars, people! Brilliant bursts of light streaking across a velvety, diamond-studded night sky. You lie there continually realizing just how small you are; just how potentially unimportant your hopes, prayers, and dreams could be to the Creator Who found it good to fashion this sight.

And you worship.

And then there's the hilarity that could only be produced by these two over-tired Mennonite girls with the same name. Trying to find a place away from lights, trees, and noise to watch. Choosing a seemingly abandoned spot by the road, then realizing lying on the ground behind your car, mere feet from the edge of the road probably isn't a good idea (as evidenced by the panicked whisper aimed at the passing vehicle: "Please don't hit us, please don't hit us!") The completely simultanous gasped expression when a meteor is spotted: "Oh! Did you see that?" The car that seemed to have pulled into the entrance to the park where we were reclining, causing immediate jumping about and the frantic whisper: "Run!"

And we worship.

A cynical, sneering part of me murmured in my ear tonight: "It doesn't really do any good to wish on a falling star, you fool."

And the innocent, trusting part of me defiantly answered: "Yes, it does. It gives back the thrill of hope and expectancy that everyday life is so apt at wringing out of us. So there."

And we worship.

Will You Be There?

"In our darkest hour
in my deepest despair
Will you still care?
Will you be there?
In my trials
and my tribulations
through our doubts
and frustrations
In my violence
In my turbulence
Through my fear
and my confessions
In my anguish and my pain
Through my joy and my sorrow
In the promise of another tomorrow
I'll never let you part
For you're always in my heart"
-Michael Jackson

How Then Shall We Live?

I have a confession to make.

I have ridiculed the passionless way people live.

I have focused on having an honest and happy life.

I have missed something.

I, myself, am lacking passion.

In my search for a passionate life, I have lost the vision for the passion I claimed to want. I promote a life that is laid back; that doesn't take too many things seriously, and has fun simply because life is good. But somewhere I lost the intensity of loving God and of bringing His kingdom to earth.

I've stopped feeling deeply and too often I just get by.

I've stopped bleeding for the wounded and too often I just shrug.

I've stopped laughing simply because I'm loved and too often I'm cynical.

I've stopped living my life abandoned to God and too often I'm trying to impress.

God, forgive me! Please renew a right spirit in me. Show me how I should live. Let me help be Your hands, feet, and voice to my new community, I beg you. Lead me to the people. Bring Your kingdom today and everyday.

Life is Mostly Edges

Let me start this post by saying that I love going shopping at Ollie's. Often times I've found a book off my "must-read/own" list for a fraction of the cost of buying it new. (You have no idea the excited noises/dances that happen when I find a book, followed quickly by the profound silence that comes when I am perusing a book and am instantly drawn in). I found Life is Mostly Edges by Calvin Miller at my local Ollie's earlier this summer, and I've just finished reading it. I highly recommend it. He has some profound things to say, and says them better than I could attempt to, so I will simply quote the last lines from the book. Enjoy!



"Like autumn leaves
My final triumph is set to swirl upward into the sky.
And the song will come on forever.
And I will take possession of the distant real estate
I've always owned.
And I will live among the far pavilions I have always loved,
Where the parent stars themselves were tracked
By wounded feet.
And there standing free in golden light
I'll shake an unfamiliar hand and find it wounded.
And there I'll be reminded
This life I lived was never mine."
excerpt from The Singer by Calvin Miller

Reflections and Goodbyes

I wish I could say that I can't believe 2 years are over already, but that would be untrue. This whole FB experience has been very long, and Fall 2008 seems like an extremely long time ago. In fact, I can hardly believe it has only been 2 years (not even a full 2 years, actually).
I showed up at FB, petrified and white knuckled, not knowing what in the world I was getting myself into, and simply positive I would never learn everyone's name, and that I would do my work and hide in my room, safe from everything unknown. Imagine how I felt when I realized what TAP intensives included! Boy, was I wrong about being safe! Part of the reason that this journey has felt so long is because of the intensity. Living in the same building with people, breathing the same air, doing the same homework, eating the same food...it's intense. I've gotten to know these dear people better in 2 years than I did my "home" friends in 18. I do know everyone's name, and a bunch more about them (wanted and unwanted lol) that I never could have imagined. Intellectually, I have learned an indescribable amount, both in and out of classes, and have had my horizons/categories/worldview broadened, blown, and matured more than I thought possible.
Now, with graduation rapidly approaching, I'm facing the end of this 2 year journey. We will part ways; go to our separate communities and continue living. Our lives, at least for most of us, are done intersecting. We will begin (again) to have shaping life experiences that don't include each other. Our lives will grow apart. When and if we see each other again, we will be different people. How in the world can we have spent 2 years speaking into each other's lives and getting to know one another to just walk away now? In one of my very first journal entries in my first semester, I mentioned that these people felt like my family; that it felt like I'd finally come home. In some ways, this is still true, although I've been reconnected with my own biological family in miraculous ways since coming here. It's the hard things we've gone through together that will bring a group of people close. Together, our class has faced family members dying, impossible homework assignments, and most painfully, classmates leaving prematurely. The tears we sobbed and the questions to which we begged answers drew the group together in ways that laughter and ice cream outings never would have.
These ladies - my mentoring group first and for most, then my dorm, then the rest...they know a lot about me. They've heard my life story, my victories and failures, and my life plans and biggest hopes and dreams. And I, in return, have heard theirs. They've seen me joyful, and they've seen me grumpy. They've seen me when I first get up in the morning and don't want to talk to anyone. We've cried and laughed together more times than I can count. Our late night conversations will stay in our memories long after they end. Yes, we can email. It's not the same, but it's all we've got. So thanks, ladies, if you're reading this. You've kept me sane for the past two years!
These men - It's easy enough to tell the girls how much they mean to you, but it can be a bit awkward to try and tell the guys. In many, many ways, these men have become the brothers I never had. They have been infinitely patient with me as I learned what was okay and what was not in relating to them :P I have the utmost respect for them, and cannot even count how many times I've remarked to the other girls what good (and good-looking) ;) guys we have in our class. Seriously, guys, you're all truly amazing. I am proud of you; pleased to know you and claim you as friends.
With all endings come new beginnings...some of us will begin new jobs; some will return to old jobs. Others will even go on to get more training. Some will go to their home communities, and some will find new places to call home. So here we are, preparing to be scattered abroad, and we take a look back at what has been and pronounce it good. Then we look to the future, full of uncertainties, remember our God, and step boldly forward.

Good Times

An evening of walking through the streets of Meadville, greeting random people, stopping for ice cream, singing in the park, and marveling at the moon. Could life get any better? I love these people who are my classmates, no bones about it.

In need of a Life Eraser...

Today, somebody's tears were because of me. What a horrible feeling.

It's all in the circle of life...

I don't hold a cyclical view of history, but there is a certain repetition that happens in life...
This song....how many times have I heard it? How many times have I attempted to repeat the chant that begins it? (quite unsuccessfully as any Swahili speaking person will tell you). And yet, I never really heard the words until very recently. Allow me to share them with you, after all, that is why you're here, right? :)

From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun,
There's more to see than can ever be seen;
More to do than can ever be done.
There's far too much to take in here;
More to find than can ever be found.
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round.

It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope;
Through faith and love,
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life.

It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope;
Through faith and love,
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life.

Friendship isn't a big thing....

....it's a million little things.

A tribute to all the friends with which God has blessed me:


Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you.
Can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter in your life is through.
But we'll keep you close as always.
It won't even seem you've gone,
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong.

Chorus:
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them.
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end.
Though it's hard to let you go,
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends.

With the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know.
We will pray the joy you'll live in
Is the strength that now you show.

But we'll keep you close as always.
It won't even seem you've gone.
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong.

The Eye of the Beholder

What has happened to this world's perception of beauty? No longer do we find beauty in an honest day's work. We have become jaded to the sights of mountains, trees, and rainbows. The sound of classical music might annoy us more than it draws us to worship. When we describe a woman as beautiful, how does she look? A size zero body? Tanned? So much makeup that you have no idea what their natural skin tone might be? Hair dyed to within an inch of its life and curled under at the ends? Fingernails filed, shaped, and painted in any imaginable shade? Eyebrows plucked off and redrawn? What are our perceptions of a good-looking guy? Tall, muscled, tanned, dark haired, carefully groomed, manicured fingers, striking eyes?
This definition has been force-fed to us through all types of media - books, magazines, bill boards, TV, movies, songs, etc, etc. Ick!
Do you want to know what real beauty looks like? Let me tell you:

The rough, calloused, dirt-encrusted hands of a carpenter measuring boards and hammering nails; those same hands later blessing and serving food to his family or disciples.
The small feet with a stubbed toe or a splinter, limping to his mother; those same feet, now matured, dusty and hairy, walking the roads of this earth and then the path to the cross.
The messy, crimson blood dripping from his hands, feet, and forehead that fell because of my sin.
The warm brown eyes that could capture a person in a moment forever, and, when bloodshot and full of agony, still managed to look tenderly down at the crowd at his feet; eyes that clearly said "I forgive you."


Oh! To be that beautiful...it's beyond my human imagination. This world has no idea what true beauty is. Let them compete with the picture of my Jesus. To me, the winner is clear.

The Ghosts of Past, Present, and Future

Okay, it's one ghost. Ghost, actually, or Spirit, as some people feel more comfortable calling Him. In any case, God has been with us in the past, is with us in the present, and definitely holds the future in His capable hands. This song is by one of my favorite artists and I'd like to share it with you, since it's been my heart cry the last few weeks. It is "Lord (I Don't Know)." How human it is not to know. What can we do but cry for peace from the Author of our life story?

You are the author of knowledge
You can redeem what's been done
You hold the present and all that's to come
Until your everlasting kingdom

Lord, I don't know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead me to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt

You are the God of tomorrow
Turning the darkness to dawn
Lifting the hopeless with hope to go on
You are the rock of all salvation

Lord, I don't know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead me to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt

Oh, Lord, you are the author
Redeeming what's been done
You hold us in the present
And all that is to come

Lord, we don't know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead us to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt

Balloons, Snow Angels, and Toothpaste, Oh My!

Celebration. When I hear that word I think of birthdays, graduations, and weddings. Balloons, music, confetti and cake. But does celebration always have to involve party plates and invitations?
Celebrate the little things. Let the small things in life delight you. Be a child. Press your nose against the glass and stare at the snow. When you pull away, draw a smiley in the condensation. Build a snowman. Make a snow angel. Smile because the kitchen is serving pink frosted, heart-shaped sugar cookies with sprinkles. Twist your feet so your shoes squeak on the floor as you walk. Get excited about the first purple spring flower you see. Give your friends a random hug. Throw M&Ms or popcorn in the air and giggle when you catch them in your mouth. Smile at yourself in the mirror when brushing your teeth gives you a toothpaste mustache. Let your eyes sparkle. Take a break from homework and go on a walk or read a Calvin and Hobbes comic book. Watch your favorite Disney movie or listen to the soundtrack.
Enough ideas, you get the point. "Maturity" is no excuse to stop celebrating the "little things."
"You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing." - Michael Pritchard

Another song...

Okay, so I've kinda' been wondering where God has been lately; wondering why He hadn't spoken, wondering what I was supposed to be doing in His absence, because I didn't recall Him leaving a to-do list, and wondering where my life is going. To be so uncertain about the future ~ to have so many unfulfilled dreams with no discernable way to follow them ~ I was/am at a loss. And then I went to my weekly job - filling in for a girl who's at CBS by cleaning a house once a week. Not a big deal, and I'm more than grateful for the money, but I hate the job. There's just something about cleaning someone else's house - seeing their family - that rubs against every dream I've had since I was a little girl playing with her dolls. I was playing my iPod, just letting my mind wander; not really listening to the music when I heard it. The word "surrender" caught my attention. It's not a word we like much. It means giving up, conceding to someone else. It hurts our pride and our individuality. But it seemed like it was directly from God ~ isn't it amazing? Words from God in a song I didn't even recognize? I started the song over and listened to it carefully.

My hands hold safely to my dreams; clutching tightly, not one has fallen.
So many years, I've shaped each one. Reflecting my heart; showing who I am.
Now You're asking me to show what I hold oh, so tightly. The fear of being asked to show what defines me. This is vulnerable. This is what I live for, and I'm supposed to trust You enough to hold them out to You? And then come the excuses and questions...
Can't open my hands; can't let go. Does it matter? Should I show you? Can't you let me go? Just turn the other way, Lord. Let me live out my dreams uncontested. Please. I'm desperate for this.
"Surrender. Surrender," You whisper gently.
More questioning. You say I will be free. I know, but can't You see? My dreams are me. My dreams are me. Despite the knowledge that sharing the dreams will set me free from them, I can't let go of the identity I've created for myself. Who am I if not Rebekah Rolan, elementary teacher, mother, wife, friend - changing the world one heart at a time?
You say You have a plan for me and that You want the best for my life. Told me the world had yet to see what You can do with one that's committed to Your calling. Why would You give these dreams to me if You didn't mean to fulfill them? Isn't the best for my life to live out what I'm passionate about?
I know of course what I should do; that I can't hold to these dreams forever. Whoa. It's something I knew deep down inside but didn't want to admit. I can't hold on to my dreams. They must be shaped by my life and by God. Molded, trimmed, and given wings. But then the vulnerable little girl comes out, clutching her dolly and asking the most important, heart-rending question in her small world:
If I give them now to You, will You take them away forever? Or can I dream again?

Take them if You have to, Lord. I'm holding them out to You. Don't take them away forever. Please, Abba, let me dream again.

You Give and Take Away

This song has been very special to me for quite some time and it has new significance even now. I love the honesty of the words. Saying "No, I'm not okay" and "I don't really feel You" but in the end, still trusting and ultimately praising God for what He has worked in my life through the storms.

"Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now, God,
that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away;
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say "amen"
and it's still raining.
As the thunder rolls,
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you."
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am.
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand.
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again.
my strength is almost gone. How can I carry on
if I can't find You?
And as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you."
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth

Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!

"O God of Second Chances and new Beginnings, here I am again." -Nancy Spiegelberg

This song is my heart cry right now. It's a wonder that God doesn't get tired of picking us up and dusting us off.

Joy - Not Just Dishwashing Liquid

I came across another quote recently and was struck with the truth of it.

"Joy is not gush: joy is not jolliness. Joy is simply perfect
acquiescence in God's will, because the soul delights itself in God
himself...rejoice in the will of God, and in nothing else. Bow down your
heads and your hearts before God, and let the will, the blessed will of
God, be done." -Amy Carmichael

Things in your life don't have to be all lined up and going the way you want them to in order for you to have joy. Maybe you lost your job, were late for school last week because of the snow, had a fight with a dear friend, realized that a relationship couldn't be repaired, or simply got up on the wrong side of the bed. You can still have joy (and more importantly, show joy) even when these things are all going wrong and it feels like your world has been turned upside down.

I think the long and short of it is that joy comes directly from trust. If you trust God with your life - past, present, and future - and "acquiesce to His will," you can have true joy in the best and worst of circumstances.

Don't wait for everything to be peachy before you show your inner joy. We have something to offer this world! Now let's get out there and advertise it!

Creation

I have been feeling like I should put up a New Year's post, but was failing to be inspired. This morning, I came across this quote, and even though it's not "New Year's," it is definitely something to think about. I hope you enjoy it. :)

"The stars are God's fingerprints. The sun is a mere smidgen of His radiance. The moon is to remind us that He doesn't sleep at night. The vastness of space proclaims the infinity of His wisdom, while the sand pebble indicates His thoroughness with the puniest details. The lion hints at His fearlessness, the bear at His power, the hawk at His keen insight. And yet, those possess only a tidbit of God's omnipotence and omnipresence. Every tree points toward heaven; every bird has a song to sing; even every moment of wind goes in some direction. There is nothing chaotic about our beautiful designed world. All creation has a message to tell. It says, 'Listen, there is a God. There is a God!'" -Brent D. Earles