Another song...

Okay, so I've kinda' been wondering where God has been lately; wondering why He hadn't spoken, wondering what I was supposed to be doing in His absence, because I didn't recall Him leaving a to-do list, and wondering where my life is going. To be so uncertain about the future ~ to have so many unfulfilled dreams with no discernable way to follow them ~ I was/am at a loss. And then I went to my weekly job - filling in for a girl who's at CBS by cleaning a house once a week. Not a big deal, and I'm more than grateful for the money, but I hate the job. There's just something about cleaning someone else's house - seeing their family - that rubs against every dream I've had since I was a little girl playing with her dolls. I was playing my iPod, just letting my mind wander; not really listening to the music when I heard it. The word "surrender" caught my attention. It's not a word we like much. It means giving up, conceding to someone else. It hurts our pride and our individuality. But it seemed like it was directly from God ~ isn't it amazing? Words from God in a song I didn't even recognize? I started the song over and listened to it carefully.

My hands hold safely to my dreams; clutching tightly, not one has fallen.
So many years, I've shaped each one. Reflecting my heart; showing who I am.
Now You're asking me to show what I hold oh, so tightly. The fear of being asked to show what defines me. This is vulnerable. This is what I live for, and I'm supposed to trust You enough to hold them out to You? And then come the excuses and questions...
Can't open my hands; can't let go. Does it matter? Should I show you? Can't you let me go? Just turn the other way, Lord. Let me live out my dreams uncontested. Please. I'm desperate for this.
"Surrender. Surrender," You whisper gently.
More questioning. You say I will be free. I know, but can't You see? My dreams are me. My dreams are me. Despite the knowledge that sharing the dreams will set me free from them, I can't let go of the identity I've created for myself. Who am I if not Rebekah Rolan, elementary teacher, mother, wife, friend - changing the world one heart at a time?
You say You have a plan for me and that You want the best for my life. Told me the world had yet to see what You can do with one that's committed to Your calling. Why would You give these dreams to me if You didn't mean to fulfill them? Isn't the best for my life to live out what I'm passionate about?
I know of course what I should do; that I can't hold to these dreams forever. Whoa. It's something I knew deep down inside but didn't want to admit. I can't hold on to my dreams. They must be shaped by my life and by God. Molded, trimmed, and given wings. But then the vulnerable little girl comes out, clutching her dolly and asking the most important, heart-rending question in her small world:
If I give them now to You, will You take them away forever? Or can I dream again?

Take them if You have to, Lord. I'm holding them out to You. Don't take them away forever. Please, Abba, let me dream again.