"We are all in the gutter...

...but some of us are looking at the stars." ~Oscar Wilde

Hope is...

...the fizzing sound you hear when you open a new bottle of soda.

...the childish delight that makes you whoop and holler when you wake up to the snow that covered up the muddy mess from yesterday.

...listening to a new Christmas CD for the first time.

...hearing the hum of the washer and dryer as you clean up the kitchen.

...finishing the 600 page book you've read a dozen times before, but keep re-reading because the story of redemption and recovered dreams changes your life each time.

Hope has showed up in many more different moments, but these are the ones that most recently stood out to me. It's just good to know that no matter how much mud and rain there is in my life, there's a snowfall around the corner to cover up the mess and teach me that life is beautiful.

"You will not fear the terror of night nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the dark...for He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." Psalm 91:5, 6a, and 11

"As long as we both shall live..."

Today was my first day with a new job. I am helping out a couple that lives in the community. He is 97 years old, and she just turned 91 years old last week. They are both darling. I can't wait to learn all that I can from them. Can you imagine having nearly a century of knowledge and experience to impart? And yet that's when people stop listening and write you off as "outdated" or "out of touch."

This woman reminds me of my grandmother. She worries when she perceives the room in which I am reading as too dark. She speaks proudly of her sons and their families and "my niece that wrote two books!" She offers me a glass of pop several times in an hour, and feels bad that she didn't have the energy to do the sink full of dishes herself. She wants to know all about my life, and has an amazing memory for names and events that are important to me. She brings to life the stories of the times that her husband walked to work because they only had one car and when "we were poor, so we didn't have much meat."

The most memorable part of the afternoon though, was when she got a soft look in her eyes and said this: "I never imagined that he would have a stroke and we would need to get help like this. I never expected it. But, I married him 'for better or for worse.' I guess now it's time for the 'for worse' part."

She's my newest hero.

Will You Be There?

"In our darkest hour
in my deepest despair
Will you still care?
Will you be there?
In my trials
and my tribulations
through our doubts
and frustrations
In my violence
In my turbulence
Through my fear
and my confessions
In my anguish and my pain
Through my joy and my sorrow
In the promise of another tomorrow
I'll never let you part
For you're always in my heart"
-Michael Jackson

Reflections and Goodbyes

I wish I could say that I can't believe 2 years are over already, but that would be untrue. This whole FB experience has been very long, and Fall 2008 seems like an extremely long time ago. In fact, I can hardly believe it has only been 2 years (not even a full 2 years, actually).
I showed up at FB, petrified and white knuckled, not knowing what in the world I was getting myself into, and simply positive I would never learn everyone's name, and that I would do my work and hide in my room, safe from everything unknown. Imagine how I felt when I realized what TAP intensives included! Boy, was I wrong about being safe! Part of the reason that this journey has felt so long is because of the intensity. Living in the same building with people, breathing the same air, doing the same homework, eating the same food...it's intense. I've gotten to know these dear people better in 2 years than I did my "home" friends in 18. I do know everyone's name, and a bunch more about them (wanted and unwanted lol) that I never could have imagined. Intellectually, I have learned an indescribable amount, both in and out of classes, and have had my horizons/categories/worldview broadened, blown, and matured more than I thought possible.
Now, with graduation rapidly approaching, I'm facing the end of this 2 year journey. We will part ways; go to our separate communities and continue living. Our lives, at least for most of us, are done intersecting. We will begin (again) to have shaping life experiences that don't include each other. Our lives will grow apart. When and if we see each other again, we will be different people. How in the world can we have spent 2 years speaking into each other's lives and getting to know one another to just walk away now? In one of my very first journal entries in my first semester, I mentioned that these people felt like my family; that it felt like I'd finally come home. In some ways, this is still true, although I've been reconnected with my own biological family in miraculous ways since coming here. It's the hard things we've gone through together that will bring a group of people close. Together, our class has faced family members dying, impossible homework assignments, and most painfully, classmates leaving prematurely. The tears we sobbed and the questions to which we begged answers drew the group together in ways that laughter and ice cream outings never would have.
These ladies - my mentoring group first and for most, then my dorm, then the rest...they know a lot about me. They've heard my life story, my victories and failures, and my life plans and biggest hopes and dreams. And I, in return, have heard theirs. They've seen me joyful, and they've seen me grumpy. They've seen me when I first get up in the morning and don't want to talk to anyone. We've cried and laughed together more times than I can count. Our late night conversations will stay in our memories long after they end. Yes, we can email. It's not the same, but it's all we've got. So thanks, ladies, if you're reading this. You've kept me sane for the past two years!
These men - It's easy enough to tell the girls how much they mean to you, but it can be a bit awkward to try and tell the guys. In many, many ways, these men have become the brothers I never had. They have been infinitely patient with me as I learned what was okay and what was not in relating to them :P I have the utmost respect for them, and cannot even count how many times I've remarked to the other girls what good (and good-looking) ;) guys we have in our class. Seriously, guys, you're all truly amazing. I am proud of you; pleased to know you and claim you as friends.
With all endings come new beginnings...some of us will begin new jobs; some will return to old jobs. Others will even go on to get more training. Some will go to their home communities, and some will find new places to call home. So here we are, preparing to be scattered abroad, and we take a look back at what has been and pronounce it good. Then we look to the future, full of uncertainties, remember our God, and step boldly forward.

In need of a Life Eraser...

Today, somebody's tears were because of me. What a horrible feeling.

You Give and Take Away

This song has been very special to me for quite some time and it has new significance even now. I love the honesty of the words. Saying "No, I'm not okay" and "I don't really feel You" but in the end, still trusting and ultimately praising God for what He has worked in my life through the storms.

"Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now, God,
that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away;
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say "amen"
and it's still raining.
As the thunder rolls,
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you."
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am.
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand.
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again.
my strength is almost gone. How can I carry on
if I can't find You?
And as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you."
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth

Remember when...?

"My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be: I walked among the crowds of worshipers, leading a great procession to the house of God, singing for joy and giving thanks amid the sound of a great celebration!"